Ramadan - Day 4

This morning is the fourth day of Ramadan and third day of fasting. I must say so far it has been an experience. What kind of experience? So far I am still very much unsure. The emotions so far have been fluid. Also I am getting more involved as the holiday progresses.

To expand my thoughts on what I mean by getting more involved. On the first day of Ramadan I honestly spent all my time in airports and honestly didn't really think much about it. The first day of fasting I did observe and have been observing the fasting rules. I must admit I was worried about the fast. I was unsure if I would be able to do it! no food or water from sun rise to sun set, and if you know anything about Texas in August, that is not a comfortable task. Well I am surprised at how easily I am able to not eat or drink during the day. I almost never eat out and cook my food by hand so my only job has been to resist the urge to go to the kitchen and cook. I don't even have snacks in the house so this might be easy just because there is so little temptation.

However that is not to say I haven't almost slipped up. Every time I went to class, I ritualistically pop a breath mint upon entering the car. I found myself about to pop the entire box before I caught myself. But I am feeling it. The fasting has made me a little more aware of myself.

Every day I honestly have been feeling a little more tired, hungry and slow. I am sure at this rate Ramadan will continue to get harder but I want to say that is the point. I am certainly appreciating every meal much much more. It blows my mind that I am this uncomfortable not eating and to think that there are people who live like this. While I spend my time reading, sitting and getting used to the feelings of hunger other people are out WORKING!!!

But Ramadan is more than just the fast. Today was actually the first day of prayer. Well first day I spent praying. I know it is a little late and I should of been doing that from the beginning but I make no claims of perfection! I must say doing the Islamic prayer (while not at the right time) was a moving experience.

However was it as moving as I had hoped? Was it as revealing as I wished? No, sadly not. I must speak with the Imam about prayer. I know the prayers are ritualistic and I know I am not preforming them in the traditional, correct, fashion but I am making an honest attempt.

However what I really want to spend some time on is the prayer this morning. So far to date my view on Islam has been of mixed feelings. I remember the feelings I used to have, of dedication and purpose. I remember feeling whole, like I actually had a role to play. But that is now mixed with common negative themes that resonate on mass media along with a strange sense of 'not fitting in'. I admit that so far practicing Ramadan, I feel a little out of place. The practices seems so strange.

But this morning when I tried doing the morning prayer I had a strange set of emotions that I have yet to form conclusion about. The first part of prayer 'Niyyat' was particuarly moving. My understanding this part of prayer is to bring the mind outside of the world and in a spiritual focus
.  
When I stood there trying to put my mind at ease and to put the world behind me. When I did that I really felt something. I felt stress, hunger and all the other crap start to fade away. It felt like walking into St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. I don't know if you have ever walked through there but one instantly feels a sense of wonder as a shiver goes up your back. While standing there feeling the presense of something, trying not to be distracted by the puppy being a puppy I began to proceed with the rest of the prayer.

Fatiha

Bismillaah ar-Rahman ar-RaheemAl hamdu lillaahi rabbil 'alameen Ar-Rahman ar-Raheem  Maaliki yaumid Deen Iyyaaka na'abudu wa iy yaaka nasta'een Ihdinas siraatal mustaqeem Siraatal ladheena an 'amta' alaihim Ghairil maghduubi' alaihim waladaaleen Aameen

In the name of God, the infinitely Compassionate and Merciful. Praise be to God, Lord of all the worlds. The Compassionate, the Merciful. Ruler on the Day of Reckoning. You alone do we worship, and You alone do we ask for help. Guide us on the straight path, the path of those who have received your grace; not the path of those who have brought down wrath, nor of those who wander astray. Amen.

This part was honestly not too difficult. This a common theme and not something I disagree with. I mean be there a G-d, and I believe there is of one sort or another, then I am sure campassionate, merciful are wonderful ways to describe G-d. The last bit was paricuarly important to me. A huge part of this project is looking for a path. I did mean it when I asked for guidance. I really did hope for an answer for a proper path.

(While bending:) Allahu Akbar(While bent:) Subhanna rabbiyal 'Azeem (3x)

God is great.Holy is my Lord, the Magnificent.

Again easy to do. I must admit I really like the idea of the motions, and ritualistic method of praying. The motions and phrases do solidify the meaning, however because this is so far from traditions of my youth it feels a little awkward. I can really understand how the ritual can be very powerful, but at the moment I am a little too sidetracked by feelings of awkwardness.

(While rising:) Sami' allaahu liman hamidah  (Response from congregation:) Rabbanaa wa lakal hamd (Standing straight, pause:) Allahu Akbar

Allah listens to him who praises Him.  Our Lord, to You is due all praise.  God is great.

All I can comment on is that I only hope he listens also to those who pray to him, lost and confused.

Subhaana rabbiyal 'Alaa (3x)   (Pause:) Allahu Akbar

Glory to my Lord, the Most High.   God is great.

This is probably the most iconic part of the prayer. I really felt a little something. I feel the devotion in the movements. I must admit I didn't feel any connection with Allah. Honestly I felt awkward. I knew what I was supposed to feel. I understood how the motions were supposed to reinforce the words. It just felt awkward. I felt on display. Granted the only thing around to see me was the dogs but still. It felt a little fake. 

Perhaps it is just a comfort thing. I dislike having to do this under the instruction of google. I must get in contact with the Imam to get proper instruction and teaching. I enjoyed the experience. I could grasp at how the ritual can me moving. I got into the prayer at the begging, but started to lose focus as I started to realize how awkward it must look. I will continue to try this 5x a day.

It has been a good beginning. I don't think I expected so much this early, and so far I have not gotten a lot out of it. It has been rewarding, just not life changing.

Ramadan Day One

So today was the first real day of Ramadan. So I woke up, late, and had to go without food or drink. Today was also the first day back to class. One day before the final. So I get to class, study study study and study and I started to feel something. Nothing major, just hunger, and a good case of dizzyness and light-headedness. I can really see how this can work. Sadly I got too distracted to read any of the Koran. I had planned on reading a chapter of the Koran each day of fasting. But today I must admit, I was too hungry to think.

Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up early enough to eat in the morning. Then I will be able to actually study and think.

Overall - Did I feel any closer to G-d, religion, faith or life? No. Really today was more a day of acclimation. Getting used to the feeling. I do anticipate some deeper experiences. But today I had more a battle to not break the simple rules. This morning was difficult enough not to just 'bend the rule with a muffin' or in the afternoon to take 'just a sip of water' - after all this is my first time, no one would blame me. But I am proud that I got through one day.

Many more to come, and they will get harder as I add duties of daily prayer, reading and meditation. I am thinking an hour of such activities every morning. Just wake up, pee, and pray.  But plans for the morning are almost always just that... plans.